When Sleep isn’t about Sleeping Anymore

I usually fall asleep between 10 pm to 1 am, depending how tired I am on that day. Then I wake up around 6 or 7 in the morning. But tonight is another episode of my “almost” sleepless night. I fell asleep at 9 pm and woke up at 1:30 am.

It’s now 3 am.

When depression hits you, it really hits hard. It is not as easy to handle as you thought it is. It’s not a simple feeling of sadness. Depression is depression. They have given it a lot of definitions but for me, it’s really an indescribable feeling.

This time, sleep isn’t about sleeping anymore. The purpose turns to an escape. But, can you really escape? No.

Depression makes me keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me to someone I never meant to be. It has transformed me to someone I do not recognize. And I don’t know how to let it go.

When you suffer depression, “I’m tired” becomes a permanent state of exhaustion that sleep can’t fix.

It’s almost 4 am.

“I’m tired, and my ‘tired’ is tired.”

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